I want my happiness back

It's started being more frequent, but first let me recap.

I started having anxiety around November 2021, it was suddenly I just started throwing up everything I ate at night and I couldn't fall asleep because I got so many nausea every time I go to sleep. One day after throwing up like always I came back in bed and I felt a huge desire to cry and I literally started to cry, my mom came in we talk and then I went to the psychiatrist and she gave me meds and I went to a Psychologist. My symptoms was always nausea, throwing up and a diarrhea, the anxiety affected my digestive system, I never cried or something, just that time. I stoped taking the meds in the beginning of 2023, but I still went to the psychologist until January 2024.

But around October/ November 2023 I started feeling bad, but was a different bad, (I already talked about what I felt in these months ant the "damn" and "damn 2"). Well, it wasn't frequently, it was around 1 or 2 times a month but at the few months (may) it just got worse. I have a huge urge to cry, I got sad suddenly, at the last few 25 days approximately I didn't have draw and that's a thing that I do at least two or three times a week and I love it, by these days I'm not feeling to do this anymore, I know that's it's not anxiety bc one day I got an little anxiety attack and it was like always was. But the urge to cry, the urge to dope myself, the way I feel hollow, my eyes looking distant, I have to do something, I don't want to go to a psychiatrist bc I don't want to bother my mom bc she thinks I'm fine.

Today at work I almost collapse of cry, but by luck before I started I went to a work colleague and he notice something was wrong and distracted me for a good time, but even with that hold back the crying for 3 hours was difficult, a single slip and a tear was rolling in my face but I tried to hold it.

I don't know what to do, I searched on Google and there is a chance of being the start of a depression but I don't want to precipitate and diagnost myself LOL, I don't want to talk about that with my mom bc my sister who stoped taking meds (she has severe anxiety, mine was just a little) had to come back with then and we didn't have any health insurance to cover, my sister got the meds by free bc it was urgent but in my case if I want A doctor's appointment for free it gonna take an eternity it's been 8 months since the strange week of a urge to cut myself and I don't want it to come back.

XOXO BYEE